He who started this work in you will be faithful to complete it. - Phillipians 1:6
To start it all off, my Texas Rangers lost to the Astros last night - the Astros - on opening day - puhleeze! What a mess. If that wasn't enough, this morning was a zoo around here.
As soon as Par opened her eyes this morning, she started struggling to breathe. Shortly after, the new parade if residents, fellows & doctors began. Today is the first of the month, so everyone rotated off and there is a new team. Out with the old & in with the new - a chance to make new friends. Everyone came in one by one to assess Parson & introduce themselves -- she showed them all her tricks - high heart rate, increased work of breathing, diarrhea, sweating etc. What a mess.
For some reason I woke up a wreck today - just couldn't hold back the tears. Not good on a day when there are lots of new faces to meet. Then there was another knock on the door - it was a social worker to interview me about the transplant process. (What the heck???? I am not fit for anything today, most less a assessment to determine if I am "fit" to be the parent of a child heading for transplant.) Is this all an awful April Fools joke? I am the counselor, the one who asks the questions, the one who peers into other people's deepest hidden places of the heart. In spite of myself, I was able to answer all of the questions with minimal tears and we can check that little chore off of the list. What a mess.
Today, we learned that the Medical Review Board will not meet this week as originally planned. They moved the meeting to next Wednesday so that they can hear a few other cases in addition to Parson. This group will determine to "list" Parson for transplant or not. So we wait for God's perfect plan and His perfect timing.
Lately I don't seem to have words to describe how I feel, where I am - or even words for proper prayers. Amy Grant captured it for me in her song "Better Than A Hallelujah".
We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
Honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah.
My mind races in the middle of the night. My mind races in the heat of the day. The devil is working overtime on my mind & heart. I long for the time when Parson isn't drenched in sweat, fighting for each breath she takes. I long for a day without mechanical ventilation. I long for day when we can be together as a family again. I long for the day when the devil will go pick on somebody else besides little ole me.
I am sure of this...
I am a beautiful mess.
I am a work in progress.
My tears are temporary.
The Rangers will win again.
I have got joy deep down in my heart.
He who started this work in ME will be faithful to complete it. - Phillipians 1:6
I am easily distracted, but The Father didn't start the good work and get distracted. He is faithful to complete it - in me. HE makes the mess of today - the mess of me - beautiful!
And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack.