Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Beautiful Mess

He who started this work in you will be faithful to complete it. - Phillipians 1:6

To start it all off, my Texas Rangers lost to the Astros last night - the Astros - on opening day - puhleeze! What a mess. If that wasn't enough, this morning was a zoo around here.

As soon as Par opened her eyes this morning, she started struggling to breathe. Shortly after, the new parade if residents, fellows & doctors began. Today is the first of the month, so everyone rotated off and there is a new team. Out with the old & in with the new - a chance to make new friends. Everyone came in one by one to assess Parson & introduce themselves -- she showed them all her tricks - high heart rate, increased work of breathing, diarrhea, sweating etc. What a mess.

For some reason I woke up a wreck today - just couldn't hold back the tears. Not good on a day when there are lots of new faces to meet. Then there was another knock on the door - it was a social worker to interview me about the transplant process. (What the heck???? I am not fit for anything today, most less a assessment to determine if I am "fit" to be the parent of a child heading for transplant.) Is this all an awful April Fools joke? I am the counselor, the one who asks the questions, the one who peers into other people's deepest hidden places of the heart. In spite of myself, I was able to answer all of the questions with minimal tears and we can check that little chore off of the list. What a mess.

Today, we learned that the Medical Review Board will not meet this week as originally planned. They moved the meeting to next Wednesday so that they can hear a few other cases in addition to Parson. This group will determine to "list" Parson for transplant or not. So we wait for God's perfect plan and His perfect timing.

Lately I don't seem to have words to describe how I feel, where I am - or even words for proper prayers. Amy Grant captured it for me in her song "Better Than A Hallelujah".

We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
Honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a hallelujah.

My mind races in the middle of the night. My mind races in the heat of the day. The devil is working overtime on my mind & heart. I long for the time when Parson isn't drenched in sweat, fighting for each breath she takes. I long for a day without mechanical ventilation. I long for day when we can be together as a family again. I long for the day when the devil will go pick on somebody else besides little ole me.

I am sure of this...

I am a beautiful mess.
I am a work in progress.
My tears are temporary.
The Rangers will win again.
I have got joy deep down in my heart.
He who started this work in ME will be faithful to complete it. - Phillipians 1:6

I am easily distracted, but The Father didn't start the good work and get distracted. He is faithful to complete it - in me. HE makes the mess of today - the mess of me - beautiful!

And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack.


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  2. We are praying for you and your family. Your strength is amazing. Parson looks so sweet. It is hard to comprehend how God gets us through situations that we believe are almost as big as He is, but somehow He does it. Plan B is a great read. I will pray that today is better than yesterday....I won't even start on the Rangers Sunday night....I guess it was Easter so they laid an egg:-)

  3. Jenn, you are a blessing to me and everyone around you who hears your pain and sees you maintain joy in your faith. Your words put perspective on everything I do all day. We are praying for Parson to get her transplant soon. Love you.